you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
