After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
