Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
