Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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