you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
