i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
