My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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