Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
