i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
