When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
