Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
