Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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