I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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