I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
