I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
