i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
