she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
