Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
