I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
