i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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