mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
