if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
