I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
