Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
