Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
