Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
