The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
