My hand turned me down
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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