Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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