if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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