I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
