Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
