I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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