went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
