i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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