just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
