this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Randomize
