ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
