I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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