I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
