"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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