I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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