i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
