His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I cut my penus on the lid.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
