I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
