so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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