even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
