Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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