Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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