do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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